Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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