I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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