I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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