Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
