dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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