Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
