I got chris browned last night
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
