Umm I'm too high to move.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
