I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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