I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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