I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
