at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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