Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
