Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
