I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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