It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
