Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
