you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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