so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
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