well I can't set my house on fire every night
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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