Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
