Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
