I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
