oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
