I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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