He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
