Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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