Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
