exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
