great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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