im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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