I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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