I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
People with herpes should wear stickers.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
