Cold hands, warm shart.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
nutella sex= disaster
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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