I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
