If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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