so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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