'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
