(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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