Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
