found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
