I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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