I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
What a dumb baby whore.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
