he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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