New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
