Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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