ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
