I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
