ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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