im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
