We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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