Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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