just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
