That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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